Decorating the Tree Photoshoot

Our son is coming!

In 6 short weeks (give or take a few days) we will be welcoming our second child, Benjamin Titus into the world. Times flies, faster than you can blink, literally. It seems like just yesterday I was walking down the aisle to say my vows, and now I'm a mother to two. As the Christmas season speeds into view, welcomed by a blustery ice storm and a three day weekend of cozy time with my family of three, it seems that life couldn't get much better. Between Christmas shopping (aka amazon.com), decorating, crafting, cooking and parenting a 1-year-old whirlwind of energy and excitement, life is full and overflowing with joy and thanksgiving. When our son arrives, it will only cap an already beautiful season of abundance.

We look forward to holding him in our arms and getting to be parents once more to a second blessing from God.

Exploration

I watched my one-year-old toddle onto the playground. Her chubby little feet trip over themselves in their urgent desire discover her environment. Her baby blues are dilated at their widest, trying to take in the scenery of twisted pipes and metals, all so brightly colored and tightly screwed into one another. Other children scream and giggle and her curly head twists straining to see despite her shortness. To much to see all at once. She circles aimless in excitement, switching her direction every 30 secs, exhilarated at the thrill. Her emotions and excitement are overcoming every part of her 30 lb. little being. How much could she possibly absorb in each glance, through each intake of shaky, excited breath.

The yellow, faded slide holds too much joy as she sits at the top. She holds on to the sides, releasing squeals of both agitation and expectation. The bottom seems so far away yet she knows the thrill of falling. When she clumsily lets go and slides to the bottom, her snaggle-tooth grin is obnoxiously confident.

The swing flops as she tries to crawl out of its confines, it is so much more fun to watch the other children swing. If she could stand right under their dangerous toes she would be content to laugh and squeal, unaware of how she would tumble. The glory of living oozes from her rosy little lips and dancing round eyes.

She toddles across the grassy field, zigzagging, not even looking for me over her dimpled shoulder. Intent on some lofty and far goal, of which she does not know. There is only the the sky blue, the crunchy browning autumn grass and her own imagination. Her arms pump back and forth as she hurries. How far would she walk if I let her go with no redirection? 

Memories

I tiptoed on bare feet to the top of the stairs of my uncle’s two-story house.  I was above the crowded living room where the people were gathered, above the rising swells of rhythmic song. The guitars, the drums and the voices all melted into one single throb of emotion and feeling. The dim lights made my head light with longing and I sank to the carpeted floor to gaze down through the iron bars of the balcony.  The scene below was well-known and comforting. The thoughts, the feelings were as familiar to me as the lines of my smooth palms. Each face in the crowd was precious. My spunky sister, my patient aunt, my beautiful cousin, my gracious best friend...they were all special in each individual way.

Balancing a leather-bound journal in my lap I fingered its worn edges. My body slowly began swaying to the rhythm of the echoing worship below. A black bible lay near my knee. Red tape was stuck across the center. A single word, in black marker was written across the front cover. LIFE. The ‘Word’ was life to me. Life to all those gathered below. It infused life into the words we sang and the prayers we prayed.

I sank into a peaceful mindset of oblivion for yet another Friday night of worship and intercession. It was not only familiar and dear but a part of my very being. The worship never remained the same. The songs would take on a life of their own in the mouths of the singers. The prayers would mingle in between and around and straight through, like a sweeping vortex of passion and gentleness. The paradox could be confusing for an outsider or perhaps very inspiring.

For six hours we would be here, on our faces, on our knees, on our backs and on our feet. I sat, one hand on each knee, still rocking. My eyes slowly closed, letting my spirit connect to heaven...to Jesus. I very rarely felt the tangible ‘presence,’ not like the others. Their testimonies make me yearn for more. Faith, however, is not seeing, but believing. The unseen, the unfelt....that was where truth faith would always be found.

I like to sit on the balcony because I could feel the atmosphere better above it all. Amidst the people, as much as I loved them all, I felt contained. On the balcony there was freedom. My hand fell to the open journal in my lap. The words written one thise dog-eared pages were the longings of an eighteen-year-old dreamer...an idealist...or maybe a girl full of hope. I could feel on these pages, live on these pages, and become something more real than anything here on earth. In these pages I could be what I was created to be....a worshipper of God. My written words were prayers...prayers for the needy, for the broken and the destitute. Every word was like breath back to heaven.  

I breathed deeply and opened my eyes, now staring out above the living room, through the open bay windows, out into my uncle’s urban neighborhood, past the shadows of the tilting roofs and into the glowing warm lights of the city. Out there was what this was all about. People. Hearts. Life. They needed Jesus, just as desperately as every one needed Him, as everyone in this room needed Him.  Prayer was our move of war, our move of action, our most violent hope.  

A normal day in the week

Well, it's that time of year again for a new look and feel. The cool air from our first autumn cold front of 2011 has me all inspired and giddy. Today is the second day of the second week of school. I love Tuesday/ Thursdays because I have no work or class until 9:30am. It is a beautiful change from the last three years of all 8:00ams. My living room windows are open, the sun is up, my kitten is purring and coffee is brewing in the kitchen. Hazelnut brew...mmmhhh...my favorite.

I'm looking forward to my Nonfiction class with Bill Carrol this morning. We are reading our first text "The Sacredness of Questioning Everything" by David Dark. It was quite a wild and strange read. I've never read anything by an agnostic before and he had my head quite spinning with all of his ambiguity. It prefaces itself for an exciting discussion in class today, which I am actually pumped about. That is what happens when you hit your senior year as an English major, you start waking up and actually want to talk in class.

After my morning class I have chapel, which is only 30 minutes, always a good time too see my community in Section C. Then work for an hour and half...and then Business and Professional writing with Haley at 3:00pm. See as all my homework is done for that class and the one this morning I feel ready to seize the day. Being prepared just makes life so much more relaxing, don't you think?

I might even get Phil to put the hammock up in the yard this evening so I can do my homework out there before the sun goes down. He's leading Fire in the Night with Ashley at 9:30pm (which I also need to be at) so hopefully he won't be to busy preparing for it.

Two more weeks and maybe, just the weather will be cool enough to wear my boots all day. I love pulling out all the fall clothing. Makes me want to eat apple pie and take pictures in the leaves.

...Lucy

We adopted a kitten this summer. Since I've been in college, these have been the only three years I've not had a pet. I've been begging my husband, since before we were even married to get a cat. On August 1, 2011 we did it.

Her name is Lucy.

A real feeling....

The lights glow with enthusiasm, then dim to a lull of solitude. The voices rise like an assembly, yet each distinctly different. Every sound unique, beautiful and full of pure, childlike peace and contentment. How could life be more satisfying and beautiful then it is right here, right now in this moment? Every little motion and movement is the action of close and intimate, comfortable friends.

A soft smile, a silly laugh, the touch of a hand and the rise and fall of conversation. Everyone is gathered to the gentle rasp of an acoustic guitar, faces raised in beauty, voices yearning with longing. could there really be anything more simple and pure as this?

I write, yet can capture nothing of this moment in time that will soon end as the evening slips by, minute by minute, second by second. How time takes a vicious unrelenting hold on our lives. I wish I could hit the pause button, yet to stop such beauty would be an abomination to it's life. I want to experience a thousand more like it.

Where are the angels, where is the sweet fragrance? Can I hold onto this forever? Do these precious moments just fade. Never...they will continue on for eternity...heaven is waiting with a treasure store of them.

Wednesday, feb 18, 2009

The campus is humming with it's normal rythmn of life on this Wednesday morning in the middle of the second month of 2009. The sun was rising about the time I stepped out of my dorm at 7:53 am. I wondered why, for the umpteenth time I chose an 8:00 class this semester. Though I can't complain much on this day because we were released from class 30 min early. And this Friday, class is cancelled, which is even better. People are wandering about in various states of sleepiness or energetic energy. I envy those with energy, though I am not that sleepy myself. The food in the bean was good. I ate alone, which is strange experience, but never less a nice refreshing change. Solitude is good thing. I am learning to balance my time between both solitude alone and social time. Both are vitally needed.
Now I am sitting in the middle of astronomy class, bored to death and wishing the clock would move faster. I know I should be listening to the lecture, but I can't focus today. My starbucks coffee is buzzing and the expectation of going back to my dorm is to much for me to force concentration from myself. Another hour and chapel will b here and then two more classes after that.
I think I may be afflicted with middle-of-the-week apathy. I don't think I like it.

Growing...

I am so thankful for just being in inadequate right now. For having to face myself and realize I am not all I need, no matter how I try to justify that I don't do that. I am so thankful that the only way I can be adequate is through Him. I am so thankful that He created me to only being complete in being in Him and in nothing else. I love how He sweeps everything from out beneath my feet and says," trust me, I'm gonna catch you without fail."

"You are beautiful mess, and I love putting together all the pieces, and teaching you to delight in the process, because I delight in the process! You desire my heart? This is my heart."

Then His hands suddenly hold me, even as I feel the rush of fear and despair in my free fall. Those feelings immediately turn into absolute confidence and hope. It is not about me. It was never about me, yet it is, but it isn't.

I stop making plans of how to avoid messing up, I stop making plans of how to be perfect, I stop making plans of trying to create myself into what I think I should be...instead I throw myself into the wild, untamed greatness of crazy God is has nothing better to do but draw me into Himself.

That is all this life is about

Longings...

Today is one of those days where I sat up in bed and felt that craving to write, though like always I didn't understand what I exactly was longing for until I was awake another two hours or so. I had to walk barefoot across the creaking, wooden floorboards of the cold house, stir up the fire, turn the gas heater on in the bathroom and glance in the mirror before taking a hot shower. Than I read my bible, played with my sister's cat and peeked into my brothers' room where they still lay soundly asleep. I took out the trash, stored away the last of the christmas decor and then talked to my mom on phone for while. It wasn't until nearly 11am that I realized what I really wanted to do. I was reading an email update on my favorite author, Ted Dekker, and followed a link to his blog, where I read his newest post, and that was when I realized how long it had been since I really sat down to write something, and pour actual deep, gut thought into it. I remembered why I love writing so much...and I remembered my dreams of being an author. I guess in the last few months I've just let it slip away from me. I feel a little broken, now with that realization, feeling as though something has fallen off of me like the arm of the porclain doll might crack and break when dropped.

It is a bit strange admitting this. It is a bit strange wondering how come I'm at this point of rediscovery, even a bit shame that I could forget something to vital a part of who I am. Like I said, I feel broken. Broken however is good, because it makes the fixing process that much more appreciated and loved.

I really wish to just sit down and right out a tale of longing right now, of heaven and children's delights, of angels, maybe even demons and a huge father whose laugh shakes the roof of the house. It makes me smile thinking about it. Wish I could write faster than I do, because I don't have much time to write. I have two and half more days til school starts again. The pressure of seeing how full my schedule already is, leaves me in just a little despair. It's like being in a hot steamy room, and wiping at the window to look outside, but the window just keeps fogging right back no matter how strong your efforts to stop it.

Aw, well, I'll find a way. This longing isn't going to leave now that it has my attention.

Thankfulness...and friends.

I never thought I would be homesick. This is crazy new sensation for a girl who has been completely happy and content away from home all semester. I don't know what to do with myself. You see my home was decorated for christmas, the lights were twinkling, the fire blazing, the hot chocolate strongly beckoning...it was extremly hard to leave Throckmorton this evening. I just wanted to cuddle up in blanket on the couch with my mom and talk the hours away into the night. I haven't wanted to do that in a good long while.
I discovered somethings about myself during this thanksgiving break. I love and appreciate my family more than I thought, and painfully realized I didn't love and appreciate them as much as they deserve. It has been a beautiful journey of discovering thankfulness this week. I thought I knew what thankfulness was, but God said no, I'm the one who defines thankfulness. I needed a good dose of humility as well.
I discovered a lot of things this week; a lot about how I view things compared to how things truly are. I was disappointed in a lot of ways, but refreshed in discovering Truth. I was blessed by a lot peace and rest....more than likely more rest than anything.

to be continued...

Suddenly, I became aware of the curious lack of Natasha in my personality. Likely because a 21 year old hooligan with an unruly bit of no-shave scruff has taken control of the keyboard. Thanksgiving was marvelous. Approximately 2 cups of Jell-o pudding salad and some macaroni and cheese found themselves semi-permanently located in my stomach. The turkey and stuffing lovingly prepared by the delicatessen workers at Kroger received lodging in my left leg (previously emptied in preparation). The pain started approximately 15 minutes later: it hurts so good. A load of dishes or two later, we all slipped into a carbohydrate-induced comatic state.

As I slowly regained consciousness after a long and extremely comfortable nap, the thoughts crossed my mind: "I hope we have cereal left at my house." This profound moment led me into musings about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Surely, it can't only be about the stockings, presents, and carols. The Pilgrims didn't have any of those. But I do have some things to be thankful for. God blessed me with an incredible family who happens to love me a great deal. I got to spend Thanksgiving with a friend who loves Jesus more than food. I slept in my own bed. I spent half a week in a state of continual amazement at God's love. Yeah, I have a good bit to be thankful for. Amen.

to be continued...?

it was good. -Ryan

to be continued...?

I...uh...*laughter*...*more laughter*...made peanut butter balls...that's it. That's it. -Ashley

to be continued...

This Thanksgiving (2008) was the first Thanksgiving in the past four or five years that all four members of my immediate family were together to celebrate thanks. Between Chris and I being in college, parents living in Mexico, Chris living in Japan and expensive air-fare, it's been a while since we've broken bread on the particular holidy. This thanksgiving, we admittedly were some distance from the remainder of our family, but nonetheless, closeness and love were felt in abundance. The addition of a new friend, the Ethiopian Tekle Legese made the holiday complete, as a reminder of the timelessness and unbound bonds of family, life and love in Christ.
Simple fellowship and a complete reprieve from many of the stresses often experienced in "regular life" wrapped the blessing in the guise of a holiday, and as such, we were truly blessed.
I thank God now, as the blessings continue; evidenced to me by being presently surrounded by spectacular friends and siblings in Christ. Praise God! - Bob

Week Eight: The Heart of a College Student...be courageous.

" Every place on which the sole of your foot treads, I have given it to you...No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous, for you shall give this people possession of the land which I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous; be careful to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may have success wherever you go. This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous and you will have success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:3, 5-9

Week Five or Six?...I can't keep up, I know I'm somewhere in October now.

Week Four: The Heart of a College Student...I am here to stay.

My beloved, Abba, hit me with a broadside today. Right in the heart, to the depths of my being. I have just spent part of the weekend, nearly five hours of it alone with my bible and worship music, locked in my dorm room. (my roommate was gone for the weekend) I cried, I prayed, I sang, I listened and I waited. He whispered a few things. I felt His presence, but only a small fraction of what I was expecting. I had set everything aside to be with Him, yet as I pressed in, He only seemed to draw Himself farther and farther away. I was soon drained, as realized this was one of those awkward moments, with people, when you are trying to get to know who they are, yet find yourself emotionally exhausted after only an hour of it. I realized with terror I didn't know this Being, this uncreated One, I was crying out to. I didn't know anything about Him. I was trying too hard....

I fell asleep, exhausted. I slept for nearly ten hours straight and woke, still worn out. Yet I got up, prepared for church and then pulled out my bible...one last time. I know you can't always trust what happens when you just open the bible up to where its pages fall. God loves to blow our minds however, cause there on the pages, in the middle of Songs of Songs was an amazing verse...

"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth; I sought him, but I found him not. I said,' I will rise now, and go about the city; in the streets and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth; I sought him, but I found him not.' The watchmen that go about the city found me; To whom I said,' Saw ye him whom my soul loveth? " Songs of Songs 3:1-2

My beloved, wanted me to find Him in the places where the people are, not shut away in my room, at least for this time, this was the way He wanted me to go. He was going to show His love to me through the "city streets" and the "broad ways."

I went to church expecting Him. And beginning with college park all the way to main service of church He began moving in small ways. From the words of Pastor Keith, to my friend's smiles. And then came the worship service. Every single word hit my like a sledge hammer.

I couldn't stand, as His words poured into my heart.

ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GET FROM ME, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GIVE.

I realized how utterly futile my attempts at loving God had been, I only wanted Him to make me feel good, even during those quiet, alone times, it was still focused on what He could give me. My attitude could not allow His presence, because a wall was between us.

How utterly wretched and suddenly relieved I felt. I was horrible, I was grieving His heart, yet now I can stop trying. God did it all. He gave me His spirit, He adopted me as His child, He loves me as His bride. All I can give is His. There is no other reality.

I worshiped with more abandon than I have in months. There was no other. And then He began speaking to me to love my friends. I then realized in loving those around me, lavishing my love on my friends, I was indeed loving my Beautiful Lover. Suddenly I had to love them, no matter what...because I was loving Him.

...and that is where I am. Here is where I stay.

Second & Third Week: The heart of a College Student...the adventure continues

I've discovered listening. Listening to God, listening to people, listening to creation. What beauty God shows in the quiet. All my efforts to be heard fade, all the emotions, die out, in the obedience of sitting still to be in His presence.

My days of college have indeed been full of listening. Listening to instructors, friends, music and the ever faithful tower off-time tower bell near the ACU's bible building. I love that old thing. My schedule is smoothing out into a steady cadence of classes, studying, building relationships, church and prayer. I've decided for the this month at least I am not going work, or get involved anything other than my classes and pouring into the lives of the beautiful people around me. The beauty of trust is enveloping me with sweet surrender. I feel so humbled and unworthy though at times that God is faithful, though I am not.

Every morning brings me a little closer to His heart, even in the times I've felt extremely far, and they have come...even within the few short weeks I've been here. But the strength of fellowship is building my faith. God is already surrounding me with an incredible circle of brothers and sisters. I'm blown away how HE showers love around me.

My classes are going good. Amidst growing challenges I am finding peace and rest...even when my body does not feel exactly rested. One more day and then I have the weekend.

And that about sums up this time of my life, though I really have only scratched the surface of the ocean God has dropped me into. I wish I could capture every moment, every little word, every discovery, every face into a multi-layered picture. It would be beautiful beyond words.

...and so my adventure continues...

First week: The heart of a college student....ACU 101

So I could go on and on about what this beautiful campus looks like, what the people are like, what this city is like, what my classes are like, what I've done, who I've met, how I feel...but I'm not gonna do that here

I have learned to love. This is what I have done. This is what I becoming. Within a week I am completely different from who I was the week before. Literally....supernaturally. God has brought me to this place for such a time as this. Every moment has confirmed and is confirming it. He has brought me to love here, and be loved.

God has blown me away with what He is pulling out of me right now. I never realized there was such beauty, and it is all coming straight from Him. The foundations my feet stand upon are proving strong. God is shaping my sight, forming my words and sharpening my ears.

We are a people of love, created for love, saved by love...

This new world I have entered is all about loving people. That is all my life consists of at the moment. As for everything else...well it all just falls into place.

So if you ask what I'm doing right now, what I've experience....a new world, as seen through God's eyes.

I always said I wanted adventure....

Summer's almost gone...

The scent of summer clings to my skin, like a warmy balmy breeze. Its a scent immersed in laughter, smiles and voices of dear family and friends. The sounds and images dance fresh through my mind. Bittersweet moments, lingering goodbyes, last looks, long hugs. I wish time would hold still, just to contain the richness of all these passing, precious memories. To remain still, however, would only hold back the beautiful memories to come.
Summer. Vibrant life. Pulsating heated passion. Glowing inspirations. The heartbeat of heaven has grown strong this summer in my soul. But the heat of the a noonday sun is slipping down into the cool of evening. The heartbeat is evening out into a steady rythmn. A rythmn perhaps even deeper than the exciting, wildness of the first.
Less than two weeks left, before summer ends and halls and pathways of a new world open their unfamiliar doors. I'm ready.

saying goodbye to summer...

...I seek the One my soul loves.

I've always loved the Song of Songs, but this week I began reading differently and with more purpose than I ever had before. I sought to see it directly as God speaking to me, and me to Him. Before I saw it only as the bride of Christ speaking to Jesus, the groom, but I have now put myself in that place as the "bride"...the shepherd girl...
...words cannot describe where God is taking me now. I've been reading chapters 1-3 at the moment, over and over again.

Me to God: Your oils are a pleasing fragrance, Your name is like purified oil; therefore draw me after you and let us run together!

God to me: How beautiful you are my darling. how beautiful your are! Your eyes are like doves.

Me to God: Like an apple among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I take great delight and sit down....and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

God to Me: O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the secret place of the steep pathway, let me see your form, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your form is lovely.

Me to God: On my bed night after night I sought him whom my soul loves; I sought him but did not find him. I must arise now and god about the city; in the streets and in the squares I must seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him but did not find him.

...why? I love this ending verse."I sought him but did not find him." Why does God hide himself? He hides himself so that I will seek him, because if he was always present, always giving attention to my need I would take his love for granted. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
He draws away, so I will draw towards him, which is the greatest of delights, both in my "seeking" and in his "being sought after." I want this go down into my deepest pores, into my gut, until I weep with undying devotion and desperation for his presence.

"....when I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go."

Freedom!!!!

Two things God has me focused on: Joan or Arc & Nehemiah

I love of Joan of Arc, she inspires me. What would this modern world do if someone of her character and vision appeared demanding justice? She was only a peasant, unlearned, and even timid, how did she become general? I know the story, but still it's a bit mystifying.

We could use some more Joan of Arcs.

What is it like to rarely question whether or not God is speaking to you? Joan didn't, she always knew beforehand what would happen, trusted completely in God, and walked calmly through the troubles around...even to her death. Talk about having faith in God's will!
This has me searching my own heart right now, wishing I had such bold courage, and causing great turmoil in my sleep. Literally for two nights after I watched some clips from the 1999 Joan of Arc film, I could not sleep. Something deep was stirred in my spirit. It weirded me out at first. I was both miserable and happy all at once.

We need some more Joan of Arcs.

I believe God is stirring it up, as we enter into these days of spiritual upheaval and battle. He wants Joan of Arcs, young people, to step out and be generals. Someone has got to do, 'cause without it our world hurtling at a rapid pace toward complete destruction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Along with all this, I have also been reading feverishly through the book of Nehemiah. I'm finding how very important it is to confess the sins of our fathers, and to be prepared for battle, even as we build. I will perhaps go deeper into this, because I know I will be stuck in this book for a while, but for now I just wanted to post the scriptures that are jumping out on the page at me. In fact I've written them out and stapled them to the walls of my bedroom.

"Let Your ear now, be attentive and Your eyes open to hear the prayer of Your servant, which I am praying for You now, day and night on behalf of the sons of Israel, Your servants, confessing the sing of the sons of Israel which we have sinned against You; I and my father's house have sinned.
"We have acted very corruptly against You and have not kept the commandments, nor the statutes, nor the ordinances which You commanded Your servant Moses.
Remember the world which You commanded Your servant Moses saying," If you are unfaithful I will scatter you among the peoples but if you return to Me and keep My commandments and do them though those of you who have been scattered were in the most remote part of the heavens, I will gather them from there and will bring them to the place where I have chosen to cause My name to dwell.
They are Your servants and Your people whom You redeemed by Your great power and by Your strong hand. O Lord, I beseech You, may Your ear be attentive to the prayer of Your servant and the prayers of Your servants who delight to revere Your name..."
Nehemiah 1:6-11

And I found this second verse very interesting:

"From that day on, half of my servants carried on the work while half of them held spears, the shields, the bows and the breastplates; and the captains were behind the whole house of Judah. Those who were rebuilding the wall and those who carried burdens took their load with one hand doing the work and the other holding a weapon."
Nehemiah 4:16-17